2000-07-19

cancer

Having written my best entry yet and having had it eaten by the greed that is netzero.com, I am attempting to write again. This time having consumed several bottles of beer while deep in a funk of I-don't-know-what-I-want-to-do-and-I-have-5-weeks-to-figure-it-out blah blah blah bullshit.

My eaten entry mainly talked about my recent paranoias concerning:

1. Not doing anything about the fact that I have impending joblessness in five short weeks. And I don't even know what I want to do, let alone how to do it, and I really want to be back in school but most grad programs frown upon potential students hoping to join programs in AUGUST. Duh. How can I have such great ideas and passions about what I want to do and so few on how to do them?

2. Spending numerous evenings sitting at home and drinking rather than a. writing lesson plans, which I should be doing as I have continued to fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants through all my classes and it's beginning to get stressful and annoying and I know that the kids would much more surely enjoy and learn from me if I were to spend a bit of time preparing. b. working out, as I am quite annoyed and the level of softness my body has recently acquired. I blame my parents, for they are notorious sitters and watchers rather than doers. I love to run around, my running greatly increases with the right company, which I have spent so little time with it seems. c. organizing my life, since I feel so flighty in what I want to do, I blame my organizational skills. Isn't organization the way to make everything happen? Or at least to make it look better.

3. The hours I spend in my car with my portable cd player perched upon my thigh, thus causing my reproductive system and all the cells within it to shiver violently and become cancery. This is especially fear-inducing as I am quite fond of my vagina and other various reproductive organs/tissues/parts/thingies and I'd prefer them cancer-free. This also applies to my thighs, knees, and other leg areas that the cd laser penetrates. In a meager prevention measure, I've taken to constant rotation of the cd player so as to minimize its contact with any one area. Although my poor right leg gets much more playing time. It's hard to shift with a slidey cd player nestled upon one's thigh.

4. Loneliness and its implications, including alcohol consumption, masturbation, sleep, social life, personal enjoyment of daily activities, friends, sex, etc. I find that most of my best friends live the farthest away from me. Why is that? It seems that I come across this extremely often in my life. Either I move or they move or we both move or I meet someone incredible who already lives 400 miles away. Sigh.

It might be a test on my patience. Or sanity.

Either way, I find myself in conversation with my cat far too often. And myself.

And I also wonder if I am just spread too thin. Doing too many things. So I don't quite get into any one of them. Instead of focusing my energy onto something, I am constantly shifting it around, like that blasted cd player. It's as if by focusing my attention onto any one thing, and really challenging myself to stick with it, I'd either get really good at something. Or get cancer.

And then I still might not know what I want to do.

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